On endless loop in the car this morning (Emily Saliers wrote it)
Fly away little bird
Any place in this open mouthed world
Begs to be fed like a bed that beckons you, but you won't rest
Everyone's got a need to go
Most of us stick with our row to hoe
But not you, you're the black crow
With a straight line, and no time
For the birds of prey who wreck your nest
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision
I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
I opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
You went there too
Fly away little bird
Find the song in you that no one's heard
Strenghthen your wings as you sing your solo flight
Through this short life
Everyone's got a deep regret
We try to ground ourselves to forget
But your race to the end is neck and neck
You love them, you love them not
The birds of prey who wreck your nest,
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision
I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
Opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
And you went there too
But all along your chosen path are
Window panes and sheets of glass
That you won't see
You fly too fast
One day it will be over
Fly away little bird
The saddest song I ever heard
Was the one that I wrote you in my heart
That never made it to the world
Friday, February 27, 2009
Not much to say
I'm tired, my ankle hurts and the cute grrl is away for several days and staying with her ex, which does not thrill me, but is what it is, you know?
On the upside, I'm seeing my good friend N for drinks tonight and I have dinner plans with the Daddyzines on Wednesday.
I'm tired, my ankle hurts and the cute grrl is away for several days and staying with her ex, which does not thrill me, but is what it is, you know?
On the upside, I'm seeing my good friend N for drinks tonight and I have dinner plans with the Daddyzines on Wednesday.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Conversational
When you called yesterday, when I answered, when I held the phone up against my forehead, not needing to hear the words because I've heard them so many times before, you've said them so many times before, I lost a little piece of myself. I lost that part that believed that living my truth makes a damn bit of difference. I lost that part that believed in love, that believed in anything at all, that believed that by sheer want I could will something, anything into existence.
When you called yesterday, when I answered, when I held the phone up against my heart to try to hear something new, I heard nothing at all and why doesn't that dissuade me? Why can I not just let this be? Why do I worry it, pulling at the edges of it, unraveling, knitting up again, pulling and pushing and for what? To build something out of nothing? To build nothing out of something? To build and set this thing on wheels, on water, on air to disappear down the highway? Hope is a thing with feathers.
When you called yesterday, when I answered, when I held the phone up against my forehead, I heard you telling me that you worry that you'll die before this could happen, and I had to tell you that, yes, you will, because so will I, for reasons that I cannot explain to you. I know that you think this cannot be. I know that I think that it can but my definitions are not part of your lexicon.
It will never be.
Do you hear me? It will NEVER be.
When you called yesterday, when I answered, when I held the phone up against my forehead, not needing to hear the words because I've heard them so many times before, you've said them so many times before, I lost a little piece of myself. I lost that part that believed that living my truth makes a damn bit of difference. I lost that part that believed in love, that believed in anything at all, that believed that by sheer want I could will something, anything into existence.
When you called yesterday, when I answered, when I held the phone up against my heart to try to hear something new, I heard nothing at all and why doesn't that dissuade me? Why can I not just let this be? Why do I worry it, pulling at the edges of it, unraveling, knitting up again, pulling and pushing and for what? To build something out of nothing? To build nothing out of something? To build and set this thing on wheels, on water, on air to disappear down the highway? Hope is a thing with feathers.
When you called yesterday, when I answered, when I held the phone up against my forehead, I heard you telling me that you worry that you'll die before this could happen, and I had to tell you that, yes, you will, because so will I, for reasons that I cannot explain to you. I know that you think this cannot be. I know that I think that it can but my definitions are not part of your lexicon.
It will never be.
Do you hear me? It will NEVER be.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Today's doc appt
This morning's follow-up xrays revealed a second broken bone, this one on the inside of my ankle. It explains why I still have more pain than I think I should, as well as explaining the massive bruising on the inside of my ankle.
Functionally, this means at least another four weeks in the boot and on crutches, as well as a prescription for pain pills I can take at night.
Maybe all or nothing is not such a sustainable model, really. turtle pointed out that this might be a very, very good time to start learning to do some things in a more half-assed way.
This morning's follow-up xrays revealed a second broken bone, this one on the inside of my ankle. It explains why I still have more pain than I think I should, as well as explaining the massive bruising on the inside of my ankle.
Functionally, this means at least another four weeks in the boot and on crutches, as well as a prescription for pain pills I can take at night.
Maybe all or nothing is not such a sustainable model, really. turtle pointed out that this might be a very, very good time to start learning to do some things in a more half-assed way.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Today's soundtrack brought to you by Over the Rhine and the letter L
i radio heaven
i get mixed signals
i move the antenna
i switch the channels
i lie in this bed
my satellite dish
is there room in the universe
for one last wish
(i say)
do you read me
over
you wanna come
over
i guess i never told you
'bout this life i'm livin'
it's heaven versus hell
in a split decision
this secret religion is
the best that i've found
i radio heaven
when no one's around
(i say)
do you need me
over
you wanna come
over
this song is grinning
go on and undress it
it's just the beginning
go on and possess it
you're no longer a child now
don't let them molest it
the wound is deep
i'm just trying to confess it
the truth is i bleed you
when these frequencies cut me
i'm a slut with a mission
a singular vision
i radio heaven
i get mixed signals
i move the antenna
i switch the channels
i radio heaven
i get mixed signals
i move the antenna
i switch the channels
i lie in this bed
my satellite dish
is there room in the universe
for one last wish
i radio heaven
i get mixed signals
i move the antenna
i switch the channels
i lie in this bed
my satellite dish
is there room in the universe
for one last wish
(i say)
do you read me
over
you wanna come
over
i guess i never told you
'bout this life i'm livin'
it's heaven versus hell
in a split decision
this secret religion is
the best that i've found
i radio heaven
when no one's around
(i say)
do you need me
over
you wanna come
over
this song is grinning
go on and undress it
it's just the beginning
go on and possess it
you're no longer a child now
don't let them molest it
the wound is deep
i'm just trying to confess it
the truth is i bleed you
when these frequencies cut me
i'm a slut with a mission
a singular vision
i radio heaven
i get mixed signals
i move the antenna
i switch the channels
i radio heaven
i get mixed signals
i move the antenna
i switch the channels
i lie in this bed
my satellite dish
is there room in the universe
for one last wish
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Vienna Teng nails it
The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Tight before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies
She says I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk
The words won't come
She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it
She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done
And yet I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can save me
Where is the one
The one
I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe
The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Tight before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies
She says I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk
The words won't come
She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it
She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done
And yet I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can save me
Where is the one
The one
I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe
Monday, February 16, 2009
What what what
A good friend emailed me this morning to tell me that she'd hoped to call me this week to tell me that she's 12 weeks pregnant, but instead she was writing to tell me that she miscarried. She and I were trying to get pregnant around the same times and had long discussions about cervical fluid and temps and charting and whatnot. When she got pregnant with her now toddling son, I gave her a bin of my maternity clothes, which she promised she'd return to me when I needed them.
That's when it hit me--I should have a baby in my arms right now, or one making me ridiculously uncomfortable while I waited for his or her arrival. If I'd managed to get pregnant on that last try, my due date would have been yesterday.
It's been a year of great loss and grief for me--Missy, Uncle Frank, my dream of birthing a child, my relationship with turtle--and some days I just can't see through to what's next for me. Most days I put one foot in front of the other and I trust that there's a larger plan for me, one to which I'm not privy right now, and that things are working out the way that they are supposed to work out, at least in part because I just can't wrap my brain and heart around continuing to walk this planet if this is it for me.
What if this is it? What if my legacy is some pixels on a screen, some words on a page? What if all that I am is what I've done and how I've loved? What if that's all? And what if it's just not enough?
A good friend emailed me this morning to tell me that she'd hoped to call me this week to tell me that she's 12 weeks pregnant, but instead she was writing to tell me that she miscarried. She and I were trying to get pregnant around the same times and had long discussions about cervical fluid and temps and charting and whatnot. When she got pregnant with her now toddling son, I gave her a bin of my maternity clothes, which she promised she'd return to me when I needed them.
That's when it hit me--I should have a baby in my arms right now, or one making me ridiculously uncomfortable while I waited for his or her arrival. If I'd managed to get pregnant on that last try, my due date would have been yesterday.
It's been a year of great loss and grief for me--Missy, Uncle Frank, my dream of birthing a child, my relationship with turtle--and some days I just can't see through to what's next for me. Most days I put one foot in front of the other and I trust that there's a larger plan for me, one to which I'm not privy right now, and that things are working out the way that they are supposed to work out, at least in part because I just can't wrap my brain and heart around continuing to walk this planet if this is it for me.
What if this is it? What if my legacy is some pixels on a screen, some words on a page? What if all that I am is what I've done and how I've loved? What if that's all? And what if it's just not enough?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
And people say the internet doesn't lead to anything "real"
Today while I was picking Mason up at the vet, a tech took me aside and told me that two of the people who I got to know online and have since become friends had called and paid three hundred dollars of Mason's bill.
I'm stunned and humbled and amazed. I sat in the exam room with Mason and cried. I still can't even believe it.
I'd thank them by name, but I'm not sure whether my amazingly generous benefactors want that, so I won't, unless I hear from them that it's okay.
My heartfelt thanks to both of you. I still can't quite believe your generosity. From the bottom of my currently hurting heart, thank you. Thank you so much.
ETA: The money that was called into the vet was from Brooke and Emily of Name That Mama. And I posted this before finding out that another friend I made online has sent me a check which more than covers the balance.
There is more crying happening here, while I'm having a big love-fest with Mason. Thank you to all three of you, so, so much.
Today while I was picking Mason up at the vet, a tech took me aside and told me that two of the people who I got to know online and have since become friends had called and paid three hundred dollars of Mason's bill.
I'm stunned and humbled and amazed. I sat in the exam room with Mason and cried. I still can't even believe it.
I'd thank them by name, but I'm not sure whether my amazingly generous benefactors want that, so I won't, unless I hear from them that it's okay.
My heartfelt thanks to both of you. I still can't quite believe your generosity. From the bottom of my currently hurting heart, thank you. Thank you so much.
ETA: The money that was called into the vet was from Brooke and Emily of Name That Mama. And I posted this before finding out that another friend I made online has sent me a check which more than covers the balance.
There is more crying happening here, while I'm having a big love-fest with Mason. Thank you to all three of you, so, so much.
Update from here
Ankle's sore, but I think it's healing? Still looks awful and when I'm not wearing the cast, I definitely know that I'm injured.
Mason's ready to come home today after one o'clock and a four hundred dollar payment. This is the "less expensive" version of the bill. I am so totally fucked, I can't even tell you.
Ankle's sore, but I think it's healing? Still looks awful and when I'm not wearing the cast, I definitely know that I'm injured.
Mason's ready to come home today after one o'clock and a four hundred dollar payment. This is the "less expensive" version of the bill. I am so totally fucked, I can't even tell you.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
An open letter to the Universe
Dear Universe,
Fuck. You.
You are going to break me if you keep this shit up. The new grrl probably moving out of state, the broken ankle, the ongoing stress of splitting up a household and now MY BABY MANCAT MASON HAS A URINARY BLOCKAGE that will require sedation, a three-night stay at the vet and hundreds of dollars to solve, which is money I do not have, so I have to ask my parents, again, for money. And if the catheter won't go? Surgery. And if his kidney function is poor? Euthanization.
I don't know what you want from me but please, please tell me and I will do it. I will give it.
frog
Dear Universe,
Fuck. You.
You are going to break me if you keep this shit up. The new grrl probably moving out of state, the broken ankle, the ongoing stress of splitting up a household and now MY BABY MANCAT MASON HAS A URINARY BLOCKAGE that will require sedation, a three-night stay at the vet and hundreds of dollars to solve, which is money I do not have, so I have to ask my parents, again, for money. And if the catheter won't go? Surgery. And if his kidney function is poor? Euthanization.
I don't know what you want from me but please, please tell me and I will do it. I will give it.
frog
Monday, February 09, 2009
More on the ankle
Hurts like crazy--it's POSSIBLE that hanging out sort of quietly Friday night, going on a fabulous date Saturday, going to church on Sunday, having a lovely mid-day date on Sunday and going to a Village dinner the same day was a bit too much.
Maybe.
Hurts like crazy--it's POSSIBLE that hanging out sort of quietly Friday night, going on a fabulous date Saturday, going to church on Sunday, having a lovely mid-day date on Sunday and going to a Village dinner the same day was a bit too much.
Maybe.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Ankle update!
Thrilling, right?
The doc visit went better than anticipated--no cast, but a removable boot that I can take off to shower AND that allows me to walk. It's a whole new me!
My choir section (go altos!) organized some meals for me, the first of which arrived yesterday afternoon. I'm SO blessed, it's amazing.
I'm feeling so much better I can hardly believe it. I had a lovely evening with Gretchen last night--she's coming over this afternoon and we're going to watch a movie and, later, she's coming to a dinner gathering with me.
There's a lot of smiling, and very little of it can be attributed to Vicodin!
The downsides: Ankle does still hurt and makes getting around more complicated than I'd like. turtle's move is taking a really long time--she's out, but lots of her stuff is still here, in part because she's spent some time helping me with stuff because of my injury. We decided she should take three cats rather than two, so Lorenzo, Sevyn, and SamSaki are in their new digs as of yesterday. It's weird.
Thrilling, right?
The doc visit went better than anticipated--no cast, but a removable boot that I can take off to shower AND that allows me to walk. It's a whole new me!
My choir section (go altos!) organized some meals for me, the first of which arrived yesterday afternoon. I'm SO blessed, it's amazing.
I'm feeling so much better I can hardly believe it. I had a lovely evening with Gretchen last night--she's coming over this afternoon and we're going to watch a movie and, later, she's coming to a dinner gathering with me.
There's a lot of smiling, and very little of it can be attributed to Vicodin!
The downsides: Ankle does still hurt and makes getting around more complicated than I'd like. turtle's move is taking a really long time--she's out, but lots of her stuff is still here, in part because she's spent some time helping me with stuff because of my injury. We decided she should take three cats rather than two, so Lorenzo, Sevyn, and SamSaki are in their new digs as of yesterday. It's weird.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Pain 2, frog nothin'
Gretchen took me out for a lovely dinner last night--I made it all of 20 minutes before I had to go outside because the pain was too much. By the time I got home, I was good and sick. And completely irritated.
Had to cancel my Village plans this evening--there's just no way I can sit long enough right now to do what we were going to do.
G will be here in a little while to take me to the doc--I'll update after that.
Gretchen took me out for a lovely dinner last night--I made it all of 20 minutes before I had to go outside because the pain was too much. By the time I got home, I was good and sick. And completely irritated.
Had to cancel my Village plans this evening--there's just no way I can sit long enough right now to do what we were going to do.
G will be here in a little while to take me to the doc--I'll update after that.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Update from Vicodin Valley
I'm hanging in there--I'm not in top form, for sure, but I'm getting around the house okay and am mostly able to do what I need to do. Thank Maude turtle's been stopping by with groceries and helping by doing my laundry, since I can't really carry things from place to place that won't fit in my shoulder bag.
This evening, I'm venturing out for dinner for the first time since I fell. Gretchen's been coming over every day to hang out and suggested that tonight we go out for dinner, in part just to get me out of the house. And tomorrow night I'm going to a Small Friend O event with the Village.
Tomorrow morning, I see the ortho, who I hope will cast me, tell me I can drive (yeah, fat chance of that) and release me to work on Monday.
Thank you all for your kind comments and support. They mean SO MUCH to me!
I'm hanging in there--I'm not in top form, for sure, but I'm getting around the house okay and am mostly able to do what I need to do. Thank Maude turtle's been stopping by with groceries and helping by doing my laundry, since I can't really carry things from place to place that won't fit in my shoulder bag.
This evening, I'm venturing out for dinner for the first time since I fell. Gretchen's been coming over every day to hang out and suggested that tonight we go out for dinner, in part just to get me out of the house. And tomorrow night I'm going to a Small Friend O event with the Village.
Tomorrow morning, I see the ortho, who I hope will cast me, tell me I can drive (yeah, fat chance of that) and release me to work on Monday.
Thank you all for your kind comments and support. They mean SO MUCH to me!
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Par for the course, I suppose
turtle's first night out of the house was last night. Tonight, after a lovely impromptu sushi dinner with Gretchen, I wiped out in my driveway. On my stomach, resting my face on the snow so I wouldn't pass out, for 15 minutes. Finally got up and walked into the house.
G texted me to see that I'd made it home okay and I called her to tell her what had happened and she told me to take ibuprofen and ice it and encouraged me to go to the ER, which I did after 30 minutes or so. Drove myself.
The fucking thing is BROKEN. I'm in a splint and on crutches. Can't go back to work until I'm in a permanent cast, which will be late this week or early next.
Thank God, as always, for my Village. I called Mr. Bat to let him know what had happened. He called Banou, who then called me and asked me to call if I needed anything. They wouldn't let me drive home, so she came to pick me up, took me to the 24-hour pharmacy for pain pills, then drove me home and made sure I got into the house safely.
turtle's first night out of the house was last night. Tonight, after a lovely impromptu sushi dinner with Gretchen, I wiped out in my driveway. On my stomach, resting my face on the snow so I wouldn't pass out, for 15 minutes. Finally got up and walked into the house.
G texted me to see that I'd made it home okay and I called her to tell her what had happened and she told me to take ibuprofen and ice it and encouraged me to go to the ER, which I did after 30 minutes or so. Drove myself.
The fucking thing is BROKEN. I'm in a splint and on crutches. Can't go back to work until I'm in a permanent cast, which will be late this week or early next.
Thank God, as always, for my Village. I called Mr. Bat to let him know what had happened. He called Banou, who then called me and asked me to call if I needed anything. They wouldn't let me drive home, so she came to pick me up, took me to the 24-hour pharmacy for pain pills, then drove me home and made sure I got into the house safely.
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