Home again, home again, jiggety...oh, hell. I'm just home.
I missed the hell out of the cats. I missed my bed. I missed turtle.

But I was so sad to leave Tali and my brother and SIL behind. I sat in the backseat with Tali on the way to the airport and we held hands. Every so often, I'd squeeze her hand and she'd smile and squeeze mine in response. When I started to cry as we pulled up to the airport, she offered me her paci and her blanket.

Giving thanks

Quick update at the end of the first full day
* matches * napping with Tali in the recliner * gongs * meeting Mason's doppelganger * stupid movies * reconnecting with old friends * meeting old friends for the very first time * making Tali belly laugh * funny text messages * crepes * reglazed tile * feast planning * zoo plans * trusting myself *

Today
It is not the best Saturday on record. turtle and I are prickly with one another, I took a load of baby stuff back to the Daddyzines (someone they know is pregnant and can use the stuff) and I'm gearing up for the trip that was originally going to be our second annual Thanksgiving with my brother and his family.

Instead, it's just me getting on a plane and flying down to spend a handful of days. And as much as I love them, I'm having a hell of a time getting very excited.

Dating
I've taken the plunge and put up some online dating profiles. I'm not looking for a soulmate (I've got seven of those and they're busy peeing on things and horking up hairballs), just some women who might want to go out to dinner or something.

So far, I've chatted with two online. One was witty and smart and had a good vocabulary. The other asked me if I packed.

Online dating: Am I ready? Stay tuned...

And today, some words from Carrie Newcomer
It isn't fair, it isn't right.
I've gone over and over the scenes in my head,
Lay here awake half of the night.
It isn't good, and I can't let go.
I've been something or someone I hurt,
In some other life, somewhere long ago.

I don't know how
I started down this tailspin.
Why one more time
I just did not see it coming.
And you'd think by now
I'd have figured out the pattern.

I shook my fists
I left too soon.
The soft wounded animal inside of me
Stood up on its hind legs and howled at the moon.

Anger rises in a violet storm,
And when I am wisest
I lay down beside it
And hum in its ear
Until it gets quiet.

I don't know how
I started down this tailspin.
Why one more time
I just did not see it coming.
And you'd think by now
I'd have figured out the pattern.

It isn't fair, it isn't' right.
I've wished on a million or billion bright stars,
Prayed like the devil with all of my might.
And somebody said, "What's really true.
All of this stuff is different I know,
But what is in common
Has always been you."

I don't know how
I started down this tailspin.
Why one more time
I just did not see it coming.
And you'd think by now
I'd have figured out the pattern.

I'm starting to see
And the heavens are starry.
And if I'm not too proud
I’ll learn to say I'm sorry.
And you'd think by now
I'd have figured out the pattern.

Today, some words from Dar Williams
Have I got everything? Am I ready to go?
Is it going to be wild, is it gonna be the best time?
Or am I just a-saying so? Am I ready to go?
What do I hear when I say I hear the call of the road?

I think it started with driving, more speed, more deals, more sky, more wheels
More things to leave behind, now it's all in a day for the modern mind
And I am traveling again

Calling this a ghost town, and where is the heartland?
And I'm afraid, oh, was there any good reason, that I had to go
When all I know is I can never come back.

Traveling I made a friend, he had a trouble in his head
And all he could say's that he knew that the bottle
Drank the woman from his bed, from his bed
He said "I'm not gonna lose that way again."

But sober is just like driving, more joy, more dread, someone turns her head
And smiles and disappears
He's gotta take it like it is, and it goes too fast
And he is just like me, caught in-between, no sage advisor
Does weary mean wiser?
And someday will I sing the mountains that carried me away away
From home and hometown boys like you?

Yeah, but what about us? Was it really that bad?
Oh it's hard to believe I want a highway roadstop
More than all the times we had, on little dirt roads
What am I reaching for that's better than a hand to hold?

It really was about driving, not fame, not wealth,
Not driving away from myself
It's just myself drove away from me
And now I gotta get it back and it goes so fast, so I am traveling again'

Sitting at the all-nite, picking up a pen
And I'm afraid, oh, was there any good reason
That I had to go, when all I know is I am all alone again

And you are the ghost town, and I am the heartland
And I can say, oh, that's a very good reason
That I had to go, but now all I know is I can never come back
And I will never go back.

Okay, then
That first meeting/date? Pushed up a bit. To tonight.

On my way home from work, do I stop to buy brandy, cigarettes or Nutty Bars?

Growth. HARD.
It's been a complicated stretch of days. turtle and I are continuing to learn to live as roommates. Sometimes it's really wonderful, like when we went to a publication party last week and shared some tempura artichokes. And sometimes it's painfully hard, like when we went to a publication party last week and she was texting a new woman while we were sharing some tempura artichokes. I tried to suck it up and be an adult, but my feelings were hurt and it showed. After convincing me that I really COULD tell her what was up, I did, and she turned off her ringer.

Every day with the learning, right?

My finances are hosed. Like, really, REALLY hosed. Like, hired an attorney to settle my debts hosed. Trying to get knocked up is a spendy proposition when you don't have swimmers from the tap, so I put them on credit, made a few dumb-ass decisions and, well, HOSED. So, when we had the fire over the summer and the fire-fighters couldn't close the basement window again after opening it to vent things, well, that's how it's been since the fire. I couldn't figure out how to fix it and I sure don't have the funds to hire a handyperson to do it.

It FINALLY occurred to me to ask the Villager who BUILT AN ADDITION ONTO THEIR HOUSE. Duh, right? He agreed, tried to refuse the freezer meals I offered, was told by his wife (who loves our cooking) that she'd already agreed to take them, TYVM, and he fixed it today in about 30 minutes.

One of the things turtle's focusing on post-break-up is being more social. Like me, she has a tendency toward deep, intense relationships with friends as well as lovers and she wants to learn how to relate to people in some other ways. So, she's met some new people, is talking to some folks online and on the phone, and she has a date with one of them next weekend.

I'd be lying if I told you that there weren't a few twinges. Don't get me wrong--we're NOT good as partners, no two ways about it. I don't want to try again and neither does she. Still, though, it's hard to see her in that early getting-to-know-you stage with some other woman, hard to see her face light up when she gets a text message.

Rather than wallowing in my whatever next weekend, I decided to call Bat to see if we could make some plans. She reminded me that it's Banou's birthday the following day (the same day I'm leaving for Tali Time) and she thought we might be having a Village Dinner for Banou. And we are, so as turtle takes this next step in her plan, I'll be with my Village, which just seems right, in so many ways, for both of us.

This year, Advent cannot come quickly enough
Yeah, I see the irony in my title. I'm feeling pulled toward contemplation and scared to death of what I'll find if I sit still long enough to search. I'm feeling drawn toward quiet introspection while wanting to run like hell.

This song helps.

Holy is the dish and drain
The soap and sink, the cup and plate
And the warm wool socks, and the cold white tile
Showerheads and good dry towels
And frying eggs sound like psalms
With a bit of salt measured in my palm
It’s all a part of a sacrament
As holy as a day is spent

Holy is the busy street
And cars that boom with passion’s beat
And the check out girl, counting change
And the hands that shook my hands today
Hymns of geese fly overhead
And stretch their wings like their parents did
Blessed be the dog
That runs in her sleep
To catch that wild and elusive thing

Holy is a familiar room and the quiet moments in the afternoon
And folding sheets like folding hands
To pray as only laundry can
I’m letting go of all I fear
Like autumn leaves of earth and air
For summer came and summer went
As holy as a day is spent

Holy is the place I stand
To give whatever small good I can
The empty page, the open book
Redemption everywhere I look
Unknowingly we slow our pace
In the shade of unexpected grace
With grateful smiles and sad lament
As holy as a day is spent
And morning light sings “providence”
As holy as a day is spent

Carrie Newcomer 2001

Coming soon to a bookstore near you!
Well, if you live in SE Michigan, anyway. I'm pleased to announce that by next week, you'll be able to find dyetyke items for purchase at Common Language in Ann Arbor.

Support your local independent bookstores and artists!

How things are just now
Putting all the vegetables away
that you bought at the grocery store today.
And it goes fast, you think of the past.

Suddenly everything has changed.

Driving home the sky accelerates.
And the clouds all form a geometric shape.
And it goes fast, you think of the past.

Suddenly everything has changed.

Putting all the clothes you washed away,
As you're folding up the shirts you hesitate.
Then it goes fast, you think of the past.

Suddenly everything has changed.

--The Postal Service

Ah, refreshing!

dyetyke holiday promotion
Through November 30, 2008, dyetyke will donate 10% of gross sales to The Back Door Food Pantry in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Offer applies to regular and custom orders for which payment is received before November 30. Offer does not apply to trades (though I'm open to trading, as always).

Please visit http://dyetyke.etsy.com to see what's in stock and tell your friends!

ETA: I made my first week's donation last night, $4.50. Thank you!

The crash, it's come sooner than I'd expected
I'm happy that Michigan legalized medical marijuana and loosened restrictions on embryonic stem cell research.

I'm thrilled that Obama won, and by such a respectable margin. At the same time, "logic" would dictate that at least the measure in CA would have gone in our favor, if only on the coat-tails of Obama's victory. And it didn't. None of the anti-queer ballot measures went the way I'd hoped that they would.

About the only silver lining I'm seeing right now is that maybe, MAYBE the "liberals" in this country will FINALLY acknowledge that there are a whole lot of homophobic "progressives." That needs to change. We need to quit pandering to the haters, once and for all.

I don't know if I have the hope to think that it'll happen, though

In honor of election day, I bring you a song*
To be sung to the tune of that rawhide song, the name of which may or may not be "Rawhide."

voting voting voting
voting voting voting
voting voting voting
RAWHIDE!

Repeat.

*alternate title for this post: One of the reasons I do not have a major recording contract

You know how I am about the holiday shopping
Having grown up working retail, if I'm not done with my holiday shopping by Halloween, I feel like a slacker. On the assumption that I'm not the only one who likes to get these things done early, I'm busy working on new stock for the store most days. I just added about 35 new items--check it out!

I take custom orders and am always open to your ideas and suggestions.