Summertime hiatus
I'm going to take a little break, but I'll be back soon!

Getting by with more than a little help from my friends
I talked with a mutual friend last night and toad arrives on Sunday. For good.

I've gotten some beautiful emails from various friends, which helps tremendously, but this one is special. It's from crae, who comments here sometimes. She and I met in college (1989, people, wrap your heads around that!) and for the first month or six weeks we knew each other, she called me Dawn. She thought that was my name and I didn't want to hurt her feelings and correct her.

Anyway, all these years later, she's still my friend, which says a ton about her, I think. She married just after we graduated from college and she and her husband, Jason, split up the same time toad and I did. She's the one who encouraged me to make "freedom purchases" after splitting with toad--I still have a plant and the stereo I bought to celebrate getting out of that relationship. And when turtle and I quit trying to get me pregnant, she sent a lovely card and letter that's on our bookshelf as a reminder that we have people who love us, even when things don't go the way we'd hoped.

Last night, she sent me this:

Just read today's post. Totally sucks, but I'm here to say -- you can do this. Jason lives 5 blocks from me with his wife and child. Just found out last month his evil mother lives here too to help take care of the baby (which is really a toddler but whatever). Had a totally visceral reaction like why are these fuckers taking up the air in my town -- but am working hard on not letting it get to me and have my line prepared for if / when I see them. It's hard not to let it get my energy -- but they've had more than they deserve, and it's my call now about who gets my energy -- not theirs.

You can do this. You have a great life. You have a fabulous woman who loves you. You've learned how to set boundaries which is why you aren't in that toxic relationship anymore. You know you deserve better. You can do hard when it's right. You do it all the time. You'll have to again. And then you'll be able to breathe again because the anticipation is over. And it will be really good. Don't let the anticipation of something gross overshadow the good you have now. I know you'll get through this and it will be in the past as you focus on the good and here and now and what's important to you to live the life you want and be the woman you want to be. And the universe will reward you by returning to you all of the love and goodness and spirit that you share so generously with the rest of us each day who know what a treasure you are.

I love you. And believe in you.

It made me cry. When I read it to turtle, it made her cry, too. And when I asked crae if I could edit out the stuff about her ex and post it on my blog, this was her response:

You can post it all -- the stuff about jason too if it'll help anyone else figure out that we can do this!! I'm continuously amazed about how many cool women have this same shit that every now and then smells again. It WILL come off our shoes, dammit!!! I'll buy you new shoes if that's what it takes!

I'm so blessed.

More clarification on toad
I've had several questions about her--in the comments, via email--and I'll answer them all here. If you have one, ask it in the comments (or via email) and I'll answer to the best of my ability.

How long have you been divorced from her?
Five years.

How long were you together?
Eleven and a half years.

Why is she moving back to town?
I wish I knew. Her answer to me is "several reasons;" her answer to mutual friends is "it feels like home."

Is she moving to be closer to friends?
Maybe? To the best of my knowledge, she only knows these mutual friends and yours truly. Her communication with me has been spotty over the years, at best, and it's my understanding that it's been similar for the mutual friends.

What IS her deal, exactly?
She struggles with depression and schizophrenia, refusing medication for either.

What if she stalks you?
I hope she won't, but I've alerted my coworkers about the possibility of her showing up at work and me needing to ask her to leave and/or call security. My supervisors know they shouldn't hire her, should she apply for a job with my unit (which has no anticipated openings, but still). If she shows up at the house, we'll call the police. If she doesn't hear me when I tell her to leave me/us alone, I'll file a restraining order. I hope it won't come to that, but part of the reason I've been blogging this is for precisely that reason: a timeline, if I need it.

In my experience, her illness has enough narcissistic qualities that I think it's unlikely that she'll lash out at me. But, honestly, this is not something that's going to resolve itself with age--if anything, I suspect she'll become less functional as time goes by, rather than more, and I haven't seen her in five years, so I don't really know what to expect.

I'm simultaneously planning while trying not to make a big deal out of this. Considering how I've been sleeping, though, it's a big deal.

ETA: New questions section
What's going on with the house she was buying/renting from your parents?
That was the house she and I bought together in 1998. When we split up, I bought her out and she moved away. A few years ago, turtle and I found a great house and sold the lilypad (the house with toad) to my parents, who planned to turn it around quickly. Shortly after all papers were signed, a major empolyer pulled out of town and everything's been sitting on the market ever since (more or less). She'd hoped to buy that house from my parents--she and I remodeled it and she LOVED the remodel--then thought she might do a rent-to-own thing or maybe just rent it, but she backed out of all of it (which is not that unusual for her, really).

Do your parents respect your desire for little/no contact?
They'd actually not heard from her since our split when I gave her my dad's number to talk about the house. They haven't heard from her since and I don't anticipate that they will. She's a very solitary person and never really developed close relationships with anyone in my family.

Did you tell her that the anniversary tree died?
For newer readers, we planted a tree in honor of our tenth anniversary. It died shortly after she left town.

No, I didn't tell her, but dollars to donuts she drove past when she was in town last week and saw for herself.

My stomach hurts
toad's definitely moving to town and it's freaking me right the fuck out. Some mutual friends emailed me over the weekend to let me know that she was moving here (which I knew) and that she'd been here last week to look for a place to live or something and had dinner with one of them (which I did not know).

How long until she shows up at my job? How long until I run into her somewhere?

It's a VERY BIG WORLD. Why the hell did she have to choose here?

Instance 1367 proving that turtle's my forever
Last week, turtle locked herself out of the house. It was hours--hot hours--until I'd be home and I couldn't leave work early, so she broke in through an already broken window in our sunroom (it was already broken when we bought the house). The window currently has lovely plywood covering it while we wait for the new glass. There were also some shards at the top and some glass dust along the bottom. To keep the cats out of that area, we left the vacuum cleaner there.

A few nights ago, we were watching TV and Sam-Saki jumped up into that space. There are several windows on both sides of that one and why she insists on sitting there, I have no idea. We tried to convince her, without leaving our chairs because Lorenzo or Mason would steal them, to get out of the window. turtle told her she'd cut her paws. I mentioned that glass in the kitty butthole is not that much fun. There was a little silence and then, in unison, turtle and I both made noises approximating the vacuum cleaner.

More on toad
I've been writing a lot about toad here, lately. In part, I've done so because having her come back into my life like she has has been very unsettling. In part, I've done so because I'm amazed by the stuff she's asking of me and the validation is helpful. And, in part, it's because it's easy to make this stuff fairly funny, if exasperating.

I'm feeling badly about having done that, though, because there's no getting around the fact that she's ill. I haven't taken her calls for a week or ten days, now, and after the first two days, she quit calling altogether. While that's a relief, it also worries me, though I'm not going to call to find out what's going on with her or anything.

I'd emailed her sister, with whom I have a good relationship, when toad first called to say that she was moving back to town, mostly because it didn't sound like any of her sibs even knew that she was planning to leave, which seemed odd to me. I didn't hear anything in response, though got some other emails from her, so I emailed her again yesterday to see whether she'd gotten my first email and to tell her about the new list of things toad wants me to do for her.

I heard from that sister this morning and I think toad's in worse shape than I'd thought. It doesn't sound like she's worked much in the five years since we split. She's cut off contact with all of her sibs but one (there are six), and she has been accepting money from that brother, not knowing that there's an account that all of her siblings contribute to for her. See, she wouldn't take the money if she knew where it was coming from, so they simply don't tell her. Honestly, if left to her own devices, she'd rather lose everything than take money from people with whom she's angry, and there appears to be a longer and longer list of those.

I can't save her. I couldn't save her when I was with her, though I could (and did) cover for her.

I just...it's heart-breaking to me to hear about her being like this. She's a very gifted poet--she's still writing, but she's not sending out her work because she's afraid that someone will steal it. And that's illustrative of the rest of her decisions, I think. She's so afraid that someone will hurt her that she cuts them off completely before she can.

With bubbles

New stock available at dyetyke!

Oh, come ON!
This morning we have no hot water at home. Apparently, the utilities folks are replacing gas meters in our neighborhood, but aren't making appointments, so if you happen not to be home (between 8 and 5--who would be gone then?!), they just shut off your service until you call and make an appointment for them to return and restore service.

And we wonder why prices on things are so high.

UPDATE: We'll have hot water by 5:30, and the car should be done before the weekend! So, a good day, if not a good HAIR day.

Overheard in transit
A: I saw some previews for that new Meryl Streep/ABBA movie. She's hot.

B: Meryl Streep!? You're KIDDING me!

A: No! And Jessica Lange. Love her.

B: Dude. She's, like, 90.

(brief silence)

A: LANGE, not TANDY.

In other news...
Well, I'm no longer taking toad's calls. It's just too much. Instead, I'm focusing on stocking the store and updating the dyetyke blog. I've got another lot in the washer now, and yet another soaking to get ready to dye.

Coming soon: Pillowcases! And aprons! (And by "soon" I mean RIGHT NOW, at least for the apron...)

But wait! There's more!
This evening's phone call featured toad telling me that she really needs someone she can rely on, and me telling her that I'm not that person. Then she said that she has no one to rely on, and nowhere to go. Still, not that person and not that place.

This was after she'd asked me if I'd come to Minnesota, help her pack the truck, then drive it to Michigan for her so she wouldn't have to tow her car.

In case you're wondering, I said no to that, too.

Now, she's waiting for me to call her back after I told her that I needed to run an errand and my phone needed to be charged (which was all true).

Gah. I'm feeling badly for panning her here, but sheesh.

More on toad
She's definitely moving to town and asked me to help her unload her furniture when she arrives.

Again, no.

And the hits just keep on comin'!
The timing chain on the car engine broke. Options are new car, new chain or new engine, in order of expense.

Yay.

ETA: We bought a new engine. It should arrive Monday or Tuesday and we should have the car back by the end of next week, hopefully.