Report on the hysterosalpingogram (hsg)
The procedure yesterday was quick and mostly painless. There was one pinch/cramp and nothing other than that. I'm sore today, but nothing that will bother me, I don't think.

And the best news: Everything's fine! The doc actually said that there's nothing better he could have seen. I'm very pleased! Even if I don't get pregnant, at least I know that I haven't blown many, many dollars on swimmers that could NEVER have made it to their destination. And that's something, for sure.

turtle was a dream--she came and picked me up from work when the xanax made me too loopy to stay (these sorts of procedures can be triggery for me) and provided me with fabulous banana pudding when it was all over.

For those of you not familiar with the procedure but wanting more information, read about it here.

The thing I forgot about birth control pills
More panic attacks.

Excellent.

Walk
Today during lunch, I walked to the hardware store with my dull lawnmower blade stashed in my purse. I don't know why this amuses me so much, but it does.

frogology
Shamelessly swiped from Mama Windmill.

TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Until my computer fried, it was Tali the Cute. For now, it's nothing.

Q. How many televisions you have in your house?
Two

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Rocky the Dire and Untimely Kidney Stone

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Probably a bag of cat litter. Or Mason.

Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
Once, for surgery.

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't want to change it. I like my name.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
Pale pink (which I rarely wear).

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
Yep.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Heh.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
No.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000
Yes.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Possibly.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No.

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
Lint.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
I thought so--Bat Girl and I watched it together and I think she was less impressed.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Stand.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
None.

LASTOLOGY
Q: Last person who texted you?
turtle.

Q: Last person who called you?
turtle.

Q: Person you hugged?
Banou.

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
3

Q: Season?
Spring.

Q: Color?
Green.

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
Yes.

Q: Mood?
Preoccupied.

Q: Listening to?
Shawn Colvin and keyboards being struck.

Q: Watching?
My monitor.

Q: Worrying about?
Everything. I'm a world-class worrier.

Q: Wearing?
Jeans and a t-shirt the Daddyzines made for me for my birthday.

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
Bus stop.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
See turtle and the cats.

Q: Do you smile often?
Yes.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
Sometimes.

When the lesbian who wants to get pregnant starts taking birth control pills: An occasional post
I've been keeping something from you. Last I talked about it here, turtle and I had decided that we were done trying to get me pregnant--and for a year or so, that was the truth. But we decided to give it another shot and have been back to temping and charting and inseminating for a few months, now.

I'm sorry I kept it from you--I had this idea that either I'd surprise you with some fantabulous news at some point or, at a minimum, I wouldn't bore you all to tears with the rollercoaster ride that is our journey to parenthood. I'm still hoping for the former but I've bagged the latter altogether, apparently.

Today, I started birth control pills.

Let me back up a little bit, though, to January. In January, we started trying to get me pregnant again. We had frozen swimmers delivered to our home. We secured another giant batch of syringes (not because we ran out last time, but because I can't find the damn things). We got back in touch with McGuyver Midwife and she came to our house to do IUIs once per cycle.

And, still, nothing. Well, almost nothing. When I traveled to see Tali the Cute around my birthday, I had gotten a possibly positive test and was five days late. Bled anyway, which I don't need to tell you TOTALLY SUCKED. I continue to have charts that make people green with envy. They are beautiful, they do all the right things, they look like I'm pregnant and then, nothing.

Nothing. Well, not nothing, but no pregnancies.

So on Friday, I went to an RE. He came recommended by some lesbionic friends (who have a child! woot!) and I figured, what the hell. May as well give it a shot, right?

And that's what we're doing. We have one shot. My insurance covers "one attempt at artificial insemination per lifetime." Now, seriously, what kind of crap is that? ONE ATTEMPT? Good grief. Nothing like putting all your eggs in...yeah, that's too cheesy, even for me. Still, though, one attempt is more than zero attempts, so that's what we're going to do.

Today I filled prescriptions for a prenatal vitamin, birth control pills, prescription-strength motrin and an antibiotic. I started the prenatals and the bcps today. I'll call the office tomorrow (today's CD1 for me) to schedule my dye test--you know, the one where they run radioactive dye through your everything to make sure it's clear and lovely in there. If it's not, we're done.

If it IS clear and lovely, I've got more prescriptions. Assuming I'm fine and it's just random whatever that's caused me not to be pregnant, we'll monitor and trigger for the next cycle. THE cycle. With monitoring. And injectibles. Yipe.

If I'm not knocked up at the end of that, we're done with this part of our journey. And I'm really fine with that--I've never been under the impression that I needed to birth a child in order to be a mother. We have some other options we're considering, so it isn't as though all parenthood possibilities are off the table or something. I really believe that we'll be parents, I'm just still not clear as to how that's going to play out.

And that's a large part of why I've been so damn quiet on the blog.

Earthquake!
We didn't feel it, but think that the cats did. They were running all over the place (landing regularly in our bed and on one or both of us), growling at everything. Initially, we chalked it up to Integration Stress, but after seeing the news, I suspect they felt things move and it freaked them right out. Can't say that I really blame them!

Speaking of Cat Integration, it's going really well. The newbies have full run of the house 24/7, now, and there haven't been any major tiffs, yet. Lorenzo had a little clump of grey fur in his claws this morning, leading us to believe that he got into it with Sevyn. Our guess is the Lorenzo will challenge Mason for the Top Dawg spot. It'll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Other than that, we're hanging in there. The shift toward warmer weather is helping a lot--turtle's been working in the yard and planning the next phases of our gardens and I'm hoping to get out in the yard this weekend to do some post-winter clean up. turtle's been cooking up a storm, too, which I love. Last night we had mulligan, a vegetarian version of what was my favorite hot lunch meal in elementary school. turtle didn't know that when she made it and she was pleased to see me enjoy it so much--my appetite's been off since the Week of Death. She also made wonderful crusty garlic bread and poached pears for dessert. I have the best lunch ever packed in my bento box. Can't wait to eat it!

It's Reader Appreciation Day, here at frogblog
Blogging has been thin around these parts lately, what with Death and New Cat Integration and Traveling Hither and Yon (because of the Death) and other assorted things that are taking up space in my brain but just aren't that interesting, even to me.

Still, you've stuck with me. You read--regularly, when I have a new post, or just when you happen to be online and you have a few minutes to kill. You comment--you offer support, you provide information, or you tell me what a dumbass I'm being about something. You contribute--you give me ideas in the comments, you email me about various things, and you put together these excellent ideas for blogging topics that help me think about this space in a new way and, maybe, write something new.

I appreciate you so much for continuing to hang around here, for telling your friends about the blog, and for holding me up when I'm in the depths.

Thank you.

Tax time
It sucks even more if you're in a family that doesn't have access to legal marriage. I knew that and you probably did, too, but it's nice to see a mainstream news source like CNN paying attention.

A Couples Meme
Something a little lighter, swiped from Sassy Femme.

1. How long have you been together? About two and a half years.

2. Who pursued who? Hard to say. turtle emailed me first, but I was definitely interested.

3. Do you wear any type of wedding/commitment ring? Nope.

4. What was the hardest thing about learning to live together? Sharing the kitchen--toad never cooked, so it was no big deal. turtle's an AMAZING cook, and it took me some time to give up control of that. Overcoming our shared tendency toward sloth is something we're still learning.

5. Who takes longer to get ready in the morning? That would be me, but only because it takes me so freakin' long to be functional once I'm awake.

6. Do you usually eat breakfast together? Not right now, no.

7. Do you ever share clothes? Yep.

8. Who does most of the cooking? turtle.

9. Who usually takes out the trash? Trash is my job.

10. If you have pets who usually does litter box or poop patrol? turtle does, but we're in the midst of shifting that a little so I do more of it.

11. Which one of you is more likely to answer the phone when it rings? We don't have a land-line and each answer our own cell.

12. Who's in charge of the remote if you're watching TV together? turtle, usually.

13. Who usually drives when you go out together? It really depends on where we're going and whether there might be drinking involved. If we're going to see turtle's fam, she does most of the driving. If we're running errands around town, I drive. When we go to see my fam, we split the driving. If there's drinking at an event, I'm most likely to volunteer to be the designated driver.

14. Which one of you takes care of spiders and bugs that get into the house? If the cats can't reach it and there's killing to be done, turtle does it. I'm much more likely to escort a bug out of the house.

15. Facing the bed, who sleeps on which side? If you're standing at the foot of the bed, looking at the head of the bed, I'm on the right, turtle's on the left; we've just swapped recently.

16. Who usually checks the (postal) mailbox? turtle, as she's usually home when it arrives.

17. If something breaks or goes wrong in the house, which one of you is more likely to either fix it or call someone to fix it? Typically, that's me, but turtle's done some fixing and rearranging that's really good. I handle more of the administrative stuff, as well as the hands-on building of things. Usually, not always.

18. Who is generally the neater of you? God, we BOTH suck at being neat. It's horrible, really. We're working on it.

19. Who handles the checkbook/pays the bills? turtle does.

20. What was your last fight/disagreement about? I've been all fucked up and regressing because I'm grieving--our last fight was probably about something I thought turtle did to me that she didn't actually do. I'm fun like that. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist again soon.

21. When you slow dance together, who leads? You know, I don't even know.

22. What do you love the most about your other half? Her big, sexy brain, which is rivaled by her generous heart.

Settling in
As I age, I've begun to realize that I don't really do my grieving until after the traveling, after the funeral. I see it in the small pieces of my life where I normally find comfort--those things have lost some of their meaning for me, for now.

Lorenzo and Sam (we're going with Sam) seem to be making the transition beautifully. turtle found out yesterday that when Lorenzo is particularly happy with the pets he's getting, he sticks the tip of his tongue out. Sam's a five-pound ball of furry growling right now, but when she's sacked out with me on the bed, she often can't decide whether purring or growling will take her time and attention, so she does a little of each. They've definitely stolen our hearts.

Introducing the newest members of our felion pride

Lorenzo


Sam (or Saki)


We're actually not 100% sure of the little grrlcat's name. Missy's sibs thought her name was Sam, but a post-it note on a carrier (presumably from their last vet visit) said "Lorenzo and Saki." We're trying them both, for now.

Saki's got a growl that makes up for her size. I think she's about 5 pounds. And Lorenzo could be Sevyn's brother, but doesn't have extra toes. They're both total love-muffins and are clearly traumatized and who wouldn't be? Their mom died--and she clearly adored these cats. After she died, they took cover under an installed tub--when people told me "They're hiding under the tub!" I was thinking, you know, a clawfoot tub. No. These cats had gone in through an open part of the wall and under a regular tub.

After two hours of trying to cajole them out, calling, offering wet food and catnip, singing to them, and ignoring them while we sat by the fire, I went out back and found a long stick that I stuck in there carefully and sort of swept around, while turtle jumped and knocked on the tub. Lorenzo came running out first, with Saki hot on his heels. We put them each in a carrier, belted them into the car and we were off across the state.

Saki cried for much of the trip--she was so scared that she peed and just as we were closing in on home, got a little bit carsick. She was stinky, damp and pissed off by the time we got them home.

She's better today--she groomed in the night, they've both eaten and had water, as well as using the litter. For the time being, they're quarantined in the office (where I am right now--Lorenzo is next to me on the hard drive and Saki's in the window, hunting). We'll integrate them with the rest of the cats, starting with Kissa, when it seems like they're ready--probably over the weekend.

It was, as you might imagine, a very emotional trip for both turtle and me. Turns out that Missy knew she had blood clots and was supposed to be on cumidin (sp?) but had no insurance and couldn't afford it. She'd complained to her mom (who's lost a leg due to the circulatory problems that run in my family) that her legs were aching. Her mom encouraged her to see a doctor, but it doesn't look like she did.

In addition to the cats, we rummaged around what was left in her house (her sibs had pretty much cleaned everything out so their mom wouldn't have to do it) and found some of their toys, a bed and their scratching post. We also took a few odds and ends that were destined for the Goodwill, so we have some of Missy's things in our home, which feels right. And I took one photo of her holding a tree frog, taken about 45 minutes from where I was raised.

Raining, pouring, etc.
Last night during the praying of the Rosary for Missy, we got the call that our Uncle Frank has died. He was my grandfather's brother and pretty much my surrogate grandfather since mine died in 1994--he reminded me VERY much of my grandpa, particularly his laugh and sense of humor. He's the one who taught me to bet on the horses when I was about seven. He and turtle got along like a house on fire. The last time we saw him, the three of us got pretty schnockered on the brandy we stashed in the freezer at my parents' anniversary party. We loved him and he loved us. Really, what more can you hope for in your family?

We're bringing home Missy's two cats with us--hopefully, we can integrate them into our little pride but if not, we know we can find them a good home.

Prayers, good thoughts, and general support appreciated.

Back to where I was a few days ago
Yesterday was a pretty good day, overall. The time went quickly, I got a lot done and I was in a good mood. I even had a fair amount of energy.

Today, Missy's obit ran in the paper, and I'm back to being all numb and tired and unable to concentrate on anything. I know it's normal, but it's frustrating and not that productive.

My nut in shining armor
I had a hell of a day yesterday. In addition to working out the details of my time out of the office for Missy's funeral and the events around it, I had a Big Thing to do for work and in the midst of getting ready for it, my computer died. Like, TOTALLY died. I left for a meeting and returned to find my computer in an endless loop of trying to restart and failing. When I left for the Big Thing yesterday afternoon, our tech had the hard drive open and was doing who knows what to it. She couldn't fix it, the hard drive is gone, and I have a teeny little loaner.

Anyway. After Big Thing last night, I had a therapy appointment, thank Maude. I have an outstanding therapist and I've been seeing her on and off for about a decade. It's nice to have someone who's got that kind of history with me, particularly in terms of my relationship with toad and the shit with my parents. It's helpful not to have to explain all of that every time I need a tune-up.

My therapist doesn't really have a private practice at this point, so she borrows an office from a friend of hers, M--she used to sublease, so it's the building where I've always done therapy. When I arrived last night, both of them were there, chatting about plans their families have together and how to lock the door when we were finished. M offered to lock up on her way out, which she did.

After our session, about all I could think about was getting myself out to the sidewalk so I could have a smoke (yeah, yeah: I smoke when I'm really stressed) but I couldn't figure out how to open the door and neither could my therapist.

We were locked into her office.

I called turtle, who was coming to pick me up, anyway, so I wouldn't have to deal with a 45-minute bus ride after a really long day (she's awesome like that). I explained what was going on and asked her if she could please come into the building--the idea was that we'd slip the keys out to her through the mail slot.

Since I've been going to therapy for so freaking long, I no longer have any idea what the building number is, nor am I sure what the intersection is that's closest to it. To my credit, I do know what STREET it's on, lest you think I'm a total idiot, but even my landmarks all include the phrase "...across from where (something) used to be." Not that helpful, really, but turtle persevered and finally found the building, the outside door of which was locked and, naturally, the buzzer doesn't work, so we had her come around to the window of my therapist's office and dropped the keys down to her.

She got into the building and was worried about an internal door locking behind her, so she left her shoe as a door-stop. We were both so glad to see her--there were greetings, I kissed her in thanks, and the three of us realized that the door had closed and we were all locked in together.

My therapist called HER partner, who made it to the building in record time, had the keys dropped down to her through the window, then stood in the hallway looking at the three of us with great skepticism while turtle and I hustled on out of there.

How many lesbians does it take to unlock an office door? Four, apparently.